No.41: Diary of a Non-Entity 9 (Extract from unfinished novel) 2006 .

This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
7th May 2006
I stayed in my room , it was a bright sunny day . The light was streaming into my room and , hidden within this contrast,I dug in , positioned my self discreetly and viewed various women who passed by in the street opposite my window.
Or,better still,who were stationary for several minutes . The summer clothing or lack of it was stunning. Especially the hipsters which are my favourites. . It was earth shattering……….After finishing what I had done during the session of voyeurism I wondered , what if I had been apprehended in this compromising position? What would an unsuspecting women think? I feel that I am not visible peeping through a crack of a net curtain in a room with no lighting staring out at a brightly lit day.

But what if I were noticed? I would be devastated ….. A look of a woman angry , disturbed , indignant at realising she has been scrutinised by someone , hiding and taking sexual gratification without permission. I imagined the worse possible scenarios: Her bringing her boyfriend or husband to batter me , groups of police taking me away with my head covered like a shamed criminal……the thought became more harrowing and finally ended with a bizarre image of an old monster horror film where the freak such as Frankenstein’s monster or whoever the main anti hero was, gets ambushed and caught by hundreds of angry villagers carrying torches.
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I suppose I wouldn’t like it if I was a woman and I had secretly been watched in this manner ….I must stop this disgusting habit, I can and I will.

I had a late breakfast and big enough to do for my lunch . This was at 12.15 pm, I really must try harder to find a job , may give me a chance to meet more people or whatever .

I went for a walk avoided the corner shop and returned by 2.00pm , tired and exhausted by the mileage. I had only walked up and down the high street and in the local park , unnoticed and not bothered by anyone . This itself began to bother me ….I did not dwell on it too much.

Now being so tired , I lay in front of the television and dozed : If I were religious and could describe to you what heaven is , it would be this:The eternal feeling of being at the borders of consciousness and unconsciousness as I was experiencing now dozing , waking and falling again into bliss.

I fully regained consciousness did some tidying up .After having my supper it was still light , I caught a glimpse of a middle aged lady , chatting outside a neighbour’s
house. I have seen her before , she is of mixed race, tall, taller than me but of such firm proportions almost athletic . She wore a green, flimsy T shirt and very tight jeans. Her belly protruded slightly but was of such elegant form.

Feeling somewhat guilty , I proceeded to do the same again ………I eventually tired and after a few glasses of white wine , dozed off again , dreaming of having a real life .