So the slythagor hopped on a train
The thought lingered,it gnawed at his brain
To revisit that fiery cage
Where his last stand had ended in rage
As he approached, he was pelted by rain
And haunted at what it would feel like
To be there again
Since he had been there several years passed
He grieved at why time flew so fast
For he was no longer a slythagor
No longer funny or sly, merely a 'Gor'
He gave his ticket in at Fulham Broadway
to a man with a hat
He was a diploma student on a grant
Last time he did that
The streets of Fulham had not changed
And looked very much the same
Apart from a new shop or two
Or one that had just changed its name
As he came nearer to the old church
That had been converted to an art school
He felt eerily reminiscent of the countless
Times he had played the fool
He entered the deserted corridor
And stared at the notice board alone
Just as he used to , there at break times
When no one would talk to him
And he was left on his own
He proceeded tentatively
And descended a flight of stairs
Where he saw 'Joke' and 'Rubbin' conversing
He gave them his attention and awaited theirs
They persisted in chatting
But as one of them withdrew
He greeted Joke , who said simply 'Hello'
Not 'How are you ?' or 'How do you do?'
Gor , feeling speechless ,retreated
And went back to the corridor
He saw Rubbin ascending the stairs
He tried to make his mark once more :
'Hello Rubbin ' he said 'D'you remember me ?'
'Yes ' said Rubbin , 'Have you come for someone to see?'
Gor explained he was just back
To look and see what's going on around
Rubbin continued to head for upstairs
And the two ceased to exchange another sound
There he was, asking himself
why the hell he had returned?
Why did he come ? Who did he come to see?
Was this the reputation he had earned ?
He found no answer and hesitated for a while
There's no one upstairs that he was close with
To give him more than a plastic smile
So much for the visit he thought
As he made his way to the door
To see the place that expelled him
Having no time for a Slythagor
So back on the train again he found himself
Heading for whence he came
He is a Slythagor no more
His wings were cut three years ago
And now he is quite tame
Sunday, December 16, 2007
No.33: Diary of a Non-Entity ,l (Extract from unfinished novel) 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
10th April 2006
Hello , I thought I would give this a go, had a few glasses of wine , by myself and it seemed straight forward.
Well I'm Simon Penton, and what you are about to read is true .
I'm a thirty six year old English man . I live by myself , I'm shy ,not really that bad looking but I have never had a girl friend , neither have I ever kissed a girl. I feel so much better for writing this as sometimes when face to face with people I tend to lie about such things. I have never had much confidence ,although I was quite good at school, I never finished anything. I am jobless and on state benefits , have not worked for over fifteen years and yet I was never lazy , just not really able to impress.I know no trade, I have very few friends, My parents have moved to Spain and my sister jane has four kids and little time for me.I may be a little tipsy now and find things to say which when sober, I may regret , yet it's too late. I think I have to put these thoughts down. I will continue this diary whenever I feel the urge..until there's no more point in it. Welcome to the diary of a nonentity.
Welcome
10th April 2006
Hello , I thought I would give this a go, had a few glasses of wine , by myself and it seemed straight forward.
Well I'm Simon Penton, and what you are about to read is true .
I'm a thirty six year old English man . I live by myself , I'm shy ,not really that bad looking but I have never had a girl friend , neither have I ever kissed a girl. I feel so much better for writing this as sometimes when face to face with people I tend to lie about such things. I have never had much confidence ,although I was quite good at school, I never finished anything. I am jobless and on state benefits , have not worked for over fifteen years and yet I was never lazy , just not really able to impress.I know no trade, I have very few friends, My parents have moved to Spain and my sister jane has four kids and little time for me.I may be a little tipsy now and find things to say which when sober, I may regret , yet it's too late. I think I have to put these thoughts down. I will continue this diary whenever I feel the urge..until there's no more point in it. Welcome to the diary of a nonentity.
Welcome
No.34: Diary of a Non-Entity 2 ( Extract from unfinished novel ) 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
11th April 2006
It's late , about 11.00 pm in London.I am alone in my bed sit ; a single room twelve feet by eight , I share a kitchen and bathroom with others. I will tell you about them in due course.
I guess it is not such a mystery why I have remained alone although I think I would rather share my life with somebody .
I got up early and went for a walk just as the world was beginning to set into motion , walked up to Edmonton's Fore Street ,pacing to a speed and rhythm of the general populace , trying to appear a busy body as if I was working or had something purposeful to do with my time. I bought a cornish pasty and a cheese pastry from a well known bakery that seems to have dominated every high street in London. It has a blue shop front I don't know what they put into their pies , probably rubbish it tastes good. The weather was cold ,but I was well covered in clothing, I walked at the same fast pace all the way home and ate my breakfast while it was still hot . I laid down , listened to a radio debate all about clothing stores :a little more boring than usual. I was taken by the female presenter's articulate and admirable tone.
I slept for an hour or so then decided to go to the corner shop to by my cigarettes. I promised my self I won't smoke the first one until it is at least 11'00a.m.
At the corner shop ; palpitations. This Indian woman, well I'm not sure if she is Indian , could be from Bangladesh or Pakistan, but she is so BEAUTIFUL , it hurts me..I buy my cigarettes , she always serves me with a smile and asks me how I am in a way that she really means it. She is married and has two sons that look in their late twenties . I sometimes even pretend to have forgotten something just to spend a few more minutes in her sublime presence.
This was the highlight of my day . The rest was a repeat of every other day.I cooked beans on toast read the Sun newspaper . slept in the afternoon and just started to reflect about my past . I feel that If write these things down about the past , present and ideas for the future I may at least......... goodness knows what . Well it's now 11.30 pm , I do have friends ,really, I am drinking my third glass of wine and smoking roughly my 15th cigarette these are my friends. Time to sleep and hear tonights radio phone-ins.
11th April 2006
It's late , about 11.00 pm in London.I am alone in my bed sit ; a single room twelve feet by eight , I share a kitchen and bathroom with others. I will tell you about them in due course.
I guess it is not such a mystery why I have remained alone although I think I would rather share my life with somebody .
I got up early and went for a walk just as the world was beginning to set into motion , walked up to Edmonton's Fore Street ,pacing to a speed and rhythm of the general populace , trying to appear a busy body as if I was working or had something purposeful to do with my time. I bought a cornish pasty and a cheese pastry from a well known bakery that seems to have dominated every high street in London. It has a blue shop front I don't know what they put into their pies , probably rubbish it tastes good. The weather was cold ,but I was well covered in clothing, I walked at the same fast pace all the way home and ate my breakfast while it was still hot . I laid down , listened to a radio debate all about clothing stores :a little more boring than usual. I was taken by the female presenter's articulate and admirable tone.
I slept for an hour or so then decided to go to the corner shop to by my cigarettes. I promised my self I won't smoke the first one until it is at least 11'00a.m.
At the corner shop ; palpitations. This Indian woman, well I'm not sure if she is Indian , could be from Bangladesh or Pakistan, but she is so BEAUTIFUL , it hurts me..I buy my cigarettes , she always serves me with a smile and asks me how I am in a way that she really means it. She is married and has two sons that look in their late twenties . I sometimes even pretend to have forgotten something just to spend a few more minutes in her sublime presence.
This was the highlight of my day . The rest was a repeat of every other day.I cooked beans on toast read the Sun newspaper . slept in the afternoon and just started to reflect about my past . I feel that If write these things down about the past , present and ideas for the future I may at least......... goodness knows what . Well it's now 11.30 pm , I do have friends ,really, I am drinking my third glass of wine and smoking roughly my 15th cigarette these are my friends. Time to sleep and hear tonights radio phone-ins.
No.35: Diary of a Non-Entity 3 (Extract from unfinished novel ) 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
15th April 2006
Today is just another day . Nothing to write about really. Yesterday was Good Friday.Nothing really happened yesterday either. The difference with yesterday was that I was aware of many other people not having to go to work .
Olga, lives directly next door to me. I noticed her mopping the landing as she kindly does on a regular basis. Otherwise this place would be a typical 'No man's land '.I mean the common areas of such shared accommodation often turn into a region that no one takes responsibility for ,and thus prone to look like something just inbetween a battle field. Olga is about forty years old, a refugee from Bosnia after that terrible war which resulted in the break up of what was Yugoslavia.
'Good morning Olga, no work today?'
' Good morning, no work , factory closed four days'Her English has improved over the years but I still talk to her in this pidgin English idiom that I have grown used to .
'You come for tea with me tonight Olga?'
'Maybe , you going nowhere?'
'No, I be in .You knock tonight.'I guess it sounds rather patronising , but I can't change this way of addressing her now. Olga has greying hair ,sharpish features and deep set green eyes , interrupted by very full lips and a well proportioned body. She often invites me for her traditional black coffee.It is very strong, full of sediment at the bottom of the cup and always served in tiny cups. When she first came to this building it must have been seven years ago.She used to wear very traditional Balkan clothing , a colourful head scarf and very baggy frocks and jumpers. Nowadays I see her in all types of western clothing and the scarf very rarely worn.
About four years ago Harry an old 'friend' of mine came over to see me, just as Olga was inviting me
for one of our regular coffee moments .He didn't believe that we have coffee together and nothing really happens.
'Wow! ' So that's what you get up to lately is it?'
' Yeah ' I nodded, I guess he realised that there was nothing going for me.'Shall we go then? , you should try her coffee it's really good.'We both went to her room.
'I'm Harry'. He introduced himself . Moments had
passed and the two were laughing and joking together as if acquainted over years. I noticed every so often reconnaissance palms from Harry sent out in all directions, touching Olga in the most neutral parts of her body. Harry joined me for coffee a few more times and eventually Olga and Harry were having an affair , leaving me to hear the 'ooohhhs!'and 'aaahhhs', the creaky bed and the occasional petty argument .
Harry gradually decreased the frequency of his visits until eventually he disappeared all together from Olga's life.
'Where is Harry ? ' she often remonstrated .'He does no love me....' I often gave her vague reassurances never stating the obvious , which she knew. Harry had returned to the security of his trusting wife and steered well clear of 93 Ploughman Road .
Something about Olga today made her more attractive than usual . She looked happy and sang to herself in her own language as she diligently mopped the landing.
At around 9.00pm Olga was knocking on my door. She entered with some home cooked biscuits all covered in sesame seeds. She was dressed in tight fitting white denim trousers and a blue T shirt as it was an exceptionally warm day after after the continuous coldness our spring has offered so far.We drank tea and ate her biscuits , talked about the weather , her work and the politics of our housing joint acommodat ion .i.e bemoaning the recent increase the landlord has announced. We continued with such trivia and I plucked the courage to attempt to be a little sexually more assertive. I had preset my CD player with some 'BeeGee'music which I remembered she had taken a liking to on a previous occasion.I gradually sent out feelers ,touching her shoulder then eventually her thigh . Olga laughed almost cynically and firmly clasped my wrist and moved it away . I persisted and then moved my lips close to hers and attempted to kiss her . Olga grabbed me by the shoulders almost like a mother preventing a baby from injury , held my shoulders at arms length,looked me sternly in the eyes and said: 'Simon ! stop it , you are friend and best neighbour , why you do this?' I giggled fatuously with embarrassment.I made one more tragic attempt of simultaneously stroking her breast and approaching her lips again . This time she dodged me and I almost headbutted the wall.
'Oh Simon ! NO....NO!' I felt like a disobedient canine.Olga then got up straightened herself,and with an air of dignity walked to the door .Smiling but firmly she told me .'Simon! , you are friend; friend only , do you understand?'As she proceeded to leave the room , I actually apologised for my behaviour , I don't know why because I was angry with her and myself , I felt that I deserved an apology really but that's what I did.
'OK , sorry .' again like a fool I heard myself.'Will you still invite me for coffee another day now?' I pleaded.
'Of course , but friends only OK!' She demanded .I felt as if she had me against the wall and that I had
to sign a legal document preventing me from ever doing such an audacious thing again,That I would have to make this concession before she let me go.
'Yes, only .....friends'. I failed. Olga left the room after one of my very rare moments of passion. I made another cup of tea. For an hour or so wallowed in my self pity ; how enjoyable self pity can be sometimes. I happily concede that the world will not feel sorry for me , I won't accept this :I will give my self the pleasure or duty of feeling sorry for myself.......After an hour and a bit, I reached for my bedside cabinet and grabbed a copy of 'The Dazzler' I looked at various naked bodies in contrived , self conscious postures.I then put it away , the presence of a real woman was still alive in my room , even the scent . I proceeded to pleasure myself with vivid images of my own creation ,...of what could have happened with Olga....
Today is just another day for me and Friday wasn't particularly 'Good',
15th April 2006
Today is just another day . Nothing to write about really. Yesterday was Good Friday.Nothing really happened yesterday either. The difference with yesterday was that I was aware of many other people not having to go to work .
Olga, lives directly next door to me. I noticed her mopping the landing as she kindly does on a regular basis. Otherwise this place would be a typical 'No man's land '.I mean the common areas of such shared accommodation often turn into a region that no one takes responsibility for ,and thus prone to look like something just inbetween a battle field. Olga is about forty years old, a refugee from Bosnia after that terrible war which resulted in the break up of what was Yugoslavia.
'Good morning Olga, no work today?'
' Good morning, no work , factory closed four days'Her English has improved over the years but I still talk to her in this pidgin English idiom that I have grown used to .
'You come for tea with me tonight Olga?'
'Maybe , you going nowhere?'
'No, I be in .You knock tonight.'I guess it sounds rather patronising , but I can't change this way of addressing her now. Olga has greying hair ,sharpish features and deep set green eyes , interrupted by very full lips and a well proportioned body. She often invites me for her traditional black coffee.It is very strong, full of sediment at the bottom of the cup and always served in tiny cups. When she first came to this building it must have been seven years ago.She used to wear very traditional Balkan clothing , a colourful head scarf and very baggy frocks and jumpers. Nowadays I see her in all types of western clothing and the scarf very rarely worn.
About four years ago Harry an old 'friend' of mine came over to see me, just as Olga was inviting me
for one of our regular coffee moments .He didn't believe that we have coffee together and nothing really happens.
'Wow! ' So that's what you get up to lately is it?'
' Yeah ' I nodded, I guess he realised that there was nothing going for me.'Shall we go then? , you should try her coffee it's really good.'We both went to her room.
'I'm Harry'. He introduced himself . Moments had
passed and the two were laughing and joking together as if acquainted over years. I noticed every so often reconnaissance palms from Harry sent out in all directions, touching Olga in the most neutral parts of her body. Harry joined me for coffee a few more times and eventually Olga and Harry were having an affair , leaving me to hear the 'ooohhhs!'and 'aaahhhs', the creaky bed and the occasional petty argument .
Harry gradually decreased the frequency of his visits until eventually he disappeared all together from Olga's life.
'Where is Harry ? ' she often remonstrated .'He does no love me....' I often gave her vague reassurances never stating the obvious , which she knew. Harry had returned to the security of his trusting wife and steered well clear of 93 Ploughman Road .
Something about Olga today made her more attractive than usual . She looked happy and sang to herself in her own language as she diligently mopped the landing.
At around 9.00pm Olga was knocking on my door. She entered with some home cooked biscuits all covered in sesame seeds. She was dressed in tight fitting white denim trousers and a blue T shirt as it was an exceptionally warm day after after the continuous coldness our spring has offered so far.We drank tea and ate her biscuits , talked about the weather , her work and the politics of our housing joint acommodat ion .i.e bemoaning the recent increase the landlord has announced. We continued with such trivia and I plucked the courage to attempt to be a little sexually more assertive. I had preset my CD player with some 'BeeGee'music which I remembered she had taken a liking to on a previous occasion.I gradually sent out feelers ,touching her shoulder then eventually her thigh . Olga laughed almost cynically and firmly clasped my wrist and moved it away . I persisted and then moved my lips close to hers and attempted to kiss her . Olga grabbed me by the shoulders almost like a mother preventing a baby from injury , held my shoulders at arms length,looked me sternly in the eyes and said: 'Simon ! stop it , you are friend and best neighbour , why you do this?' I giggled fatuously with embarrassment.I made one more tragic attempt of simultaneously stroking her breast and approaching her lips again . This time she dodged me and I almost headbutted the wall.
'Oh Simon ! NO....NO!' I felt like a disobedient canine.Olga then got up straightened herself,and with an air of dignity walked to the door .Smiling but firmly she told me .'Simon! , you are friend; friend only , do you understand?'As she proceeded to leave the room , I actually apologised for my behaviour , I don't know why because I was angry with her and myself , I felt that I deserved an apology really but that's what I did.
'OK , sorry .' again like a fool I heard myself.'Will you still invite me for coffee another day now?' I pleaded.
'Of course , but friends only OK!' She demanded .I felt as if she had me against the wall and that I had
to sign a legal document preventing me from ever doing such an audacious thing again,That I would have to make this concession before she let me go.
'Yes, only .....friends'. I failed. Olga left the room after one of my very rare moments of passion. I made another cup of tea. For an hour or so wallowed in my self pity ; how enjoyable self pity can be sometimes. I happily concede that the world will not feel sorry for me , I won't accept this :I will give my self the pleasure or duty of feeling sorry for myself.......After an hour and a bit, I reached for my bedside cabinet and grabbed a copy of 'The Dazzler' I looked at various naked bodies in contrived , self conscious postures.I then put it away , the presence of a real woman was still alive in my room , even the scent . I proceeded to pleasure myself with vivid images of my own creation ,...of what could have happened with Olga....
Today is just another day for me and Friday wasn't particularly 'Good',
No.36: Diary of a Non-Entity 4 (Extract from unfinished novel) 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
17th April 2006
Got up late today .11.0a.m . I had a shower ,got dressed and made cheese on toast for breakfast or more like a brunch considering the time. I looked around at my room and had a sudden urge to tidy up and clean the room , but after a few seconds decided I would not.
I went to the local corner shop .I feared it would be shut but no , it was open. To my dismay one of the sons was serving .
‘Good morning sir’.
‘Good morning , 20 Malignez please’. I caught a glimpse of her , the mother was in the back room counting goods and putting them away . I fell into a stupor as I discreetly focused upon her. She looked so good in jeans and a baggy jumper.
‘Are you enjoying your Easter?’.
‘ Yes , I will be seeing relatives and friends later .’ Not that I was , but it was something to say . I continued to procrastinate as I descended deeper and deeper into an ecstatic make believe world..Only to be woken up.
‘Hello Sir , how are you?’ The husband came to the front of the shop and seemed to be saying , contrary to his spoken words; ‘And how much longer do you intend to leer at my wife today?’
‘I’m fine thanks, see you around’. I left the shop .
If only in some other parallel universe or under a magic spell performed by a real witch . If only I could just be with her and melt into those eyes and be received with that immortal smile…she is a true Indian Goddess. I sometimes think she takes pleasure in the power she has over me .I can tell by the way she looks at me .
I wake up again and walk toward the local park .Full of people of all backgrounds, dogs, children all running around , the smell of barbecue and sound of chatter in so many languages. .….If only I could be a part of this , yet I am like the air.
After a while I found an empty bench. I placed myself down and observed all around many people enjoying the novelty of a sunny day which has not been seen here for a good while now. This was a true spring’s day.
After about twenty minutes I was just about to get up when three youths all dressed in light blue hooded jackets and baggy jeans sat next to me . One on my left and the others on my right . I refrained from leaving immediately as this would have somehow felt wrong ; I may have offended them or may have looked more scared than I wanted to appear , which in turn could have provoked the worst outcome.
I sat in between the three who spoke in a drawl I could not understand , but faintly recognised that it was English based. They continued to talk over me in this manner until the one on the left produced a large hand rolled cigarette from his pocket.
He asked me for a light . I gave him my match box ,the spliff was lit and the three continued to share this cannabis joint, smoking and giggling , talking what sounded like gibberish and looking in my direction making me feel like an object of curiosity .
‘Wanna puff bruv?’ I was made an offer , I refused as the one on my left who offered shrugged and the others giggled . I let them have a few more puffs and moved on .
I did feel a little intimidated but guess they were just young men without any maleficent intentions, on this occasion.
I walked around the park, continued onto the high street , What a difference on a bank holiday . The traffic was thick with groups of people all coming back from excursions , possibly to the sea or countryside.
.By the time I got back it was 7.30pm.I had another shower then reviewed my day . I lied down on the sofa and wept for half a minute or so .Feeling for a moment , after thinking of all the life I saw outside: how unconnected I was with all of them.
I snapped out of it quickly, prepared myself two chunky toasted corned beef sandwiches , opened a bottle of red wine and switched on the radio which was tuned into Radio Melody.
After several hours of listening to bland middle- of -the road music and having finished the bottle , I opened another , poured out a glass , recorked the bottle , put it away and had the last drink and last cigarette by 11.25.pm.
I then made sure the ash tray was not smouldering checked the door and windows ,bolted them and went off to bed ,not bothering to brush my teeth. It was a good day , I feel happy right now , I burped and dozed off . A normal day awaits me tomorrow .
17th April 2006
Got up late today .11.0a.m . I had a shower ,got dressed and made cheese on toast for breakfast or more like a brunch considering the time. I looked around at my room and had a sudden urge to tidy up and clean the room , but after a few seconds decided I would not.
I went to the local corner shop .I feared it would be shut but no , it was open. To my dismay one of the sons was serving .
‘Good morning sir’.
‘Good morning , 20 Malignez please’. I caught a glimpse of her , the mother was in the back room counting goods and putting them away . I fell into a stupor as I discreetly focused upon her. She looked so good in jeans and a baggy jumper.
‘Are you enjoying your Easter?’.
‘ Yes , I will be seeing relatives and friends later .’ Not that I was , but it was something to say . I continued to procrastinate as I descended deeper and deeper into an ecstatic make believe world..Only to be woken up.
‘Hello Sir , how are you?’ The husband came to the front of the shop and seemed to be saying , contrary to his spoken words; ‘And how much longer do you intend to leer at my wife today?’
‘I’m fine thanks, see you around’. I left the shop .
If only in some other parallel universe or under a magic spell performed by a real witch . If only I could just be with her and melt into those eyes and be received with that immortal smile…she is a true Indian Goddess. I sometimes think she takes pleasure in the power she has over me .I can tell by the way she looks at me .
I wake up again and walk toward the local park .Full of people of all backgrounds, dogs, children all running around , the smell of barbecue and sound of chatter in so many languages. .….If only I could be a part of this , yet I am like the air.
After a while I found an empty bench. I placed myself down and observed all around many people enjoying the novelty of a sunny day which has not been seen here for a good while now. This was a true spring’s day.
After about twenty minutes I was just about to get up when three youths all dressed in light blue hooded jackets and baggy jeans sat next to me . One on my left and the others on my right . I refrained from leaving immediately as this would have somehow felt wrong ; I may have offended them or may have looked more scared than I wanted to appear , which in turn could have provoked the worst outcome.
I sat in between the three who spoke in a drawl I could not understand , but faintly recognised that it was English based. They continued to talk over me in this manner until the one on the left produced a large hand rolled cigarette from his pocket.
He asked me for a light . I gave him my match box ,the spliff was lit and the three continued to share this cannabis joint, smoking and giggling , talking what sounded like gibberish and looking in my direction making me feel like an object of curiosity .
‘Wanna puff bruv?’ I was made an offer , I refused as the one on my left who offered shrugged and the others giggled . I let them have a few more puffs and moved on .
I did feel a little intimidated but guess they were just young men without any maleficent intentions, on this occasion.
I walked around the park, continued onto the high street , What a difference on a bank holiday . The traffic was thick with groups of people all coming back from excursions , possibly to the sea or countryside.
.By the time I got back it was 7.30pm.I had another shower then reviewed my day . I lied down on the sofa and wept for half a minute or so .Feeling for a moment , after thinking of all the life I saw outside: how unconnected I was with all of them.
I snapped out of it quickly, prepared myself two chunky toasted corned beef sandwiches , opened a bottle of red wine and switched on the radio which was tuned into Radio Melody.
After several hours of listening to bland middle- of -the road music and having finished the bottle , I opened another , poured out a glass , recorked the bottle , put it away and had the last drink and last cigarette by 11.25.pm.
I then made sure the ash tray was not smouldering checked the door and windows ,bolted them and went off to bed ,not bothering to brush my teeth. It was a good day , I feel happy right now , I burped and dozed off . A normal day awaits me tomorrow .
No.37: Diary of a Non-Entity 5 ( Extract from unfinished novel) , 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
18th April 2006
Today I got up really early. I didn’t even sleep properly last night , I had strange dreams almost as if I was in a state of semi consciousness. I was up and dressed by 7.30am I even heard the man above me go off to work . I don’t know his name , but I will refer to him as Ivan from now on . Ivan appears to be from Poland . He could even be a Russian or Albanian for all I know . I feel confident to state that he is ‘Eastern European’ . The language sounds somewhat Slavic in its form. Not that I know anything about these languages just that I have been around long enough to make some connections.
Anyhow, Ivan has been living directly above the room I occupy for at least the last six months. This morning an old volvo estate van pulled up .This seems to be some kind of work transport or trades gang. As soon as it pulled up the driver surrounded by at least another seven or eight other burly figures of similar racial complexion and cultural behaviour , blew his horn several times very loud too . I would like to shout to him to shut up and get out of the vehicle and use his finger and press the door bell . But I dare not in case I elicit an aggressive response. Ivan came rushing down to join them.
So Ivan and his gang of what look like builders have all gone out to make some money. They must be builders . Ivan is often seen carrying bits of wood and holding various power tools, whereas his friends have been seen to be covered from head to toe in plaster or cement. This group of loud and rowdy looking Poles seem to have come to London with a vengeance. They seem to have a hunger for work. I guess it is the new European Union’s rules of engagement Others would call this another example of the government inviting foreign tradesmen to come to the country in order to keep the local complacent builders on their toes and prevent them form demanding interstellar prices for botched up work.
I see many of these people , just like Ivan around this area either going to work or returning . I have often seen them shopping with some kind of excitement when seeing the prices in London supermarkets which I believe are extremely cheap compared to those of countries cursed by the former Stalinist regimes .So Ivan and his gang have gone to work .I don’t have anything against these new guest workers or immigrant settlers , whatever they happen to be .
One night a few weeks ago I remember seeing Ivan bring back two women of his own nationality and a male friend..This was a Friday night . I happened to be coming back myself from a drink in one of the local pubs. These Polish women were gorgeous , tall , fit , blond and self assured . And I could hear the whole scenario. Not that I can understand Polish but what went on was more the language of love. Not much was left to the imagination although I could see nothing I could feel my ceiling shaking . I wonder what it must feel like to be a successful predator and win at bringing a willing woman home to have ……… wild sex. Some people get all the luck.
After Ivan had gone I stayed at my window watching the world go by . I saw Olga leaving for the dress factory , She has really become more fashion conscious and adjusted to this way of life.
All have gone from this building except Francis and myself . Francis is a seventy two year old retired bachelor . I wonder whether he is retired from the world , from work or from himself, considering the amount of years he has been alone. I have, on a few occasions had a drink in the pub with him and will say more about him on other occasions..
I visited the corner shop at 10.00.a.m. I planned it this way and wow! She was there. I blushed as I pretended to look at various headlines as if I was trying to make my mind up about which paper to buy.
‘Good morning Sir ‘
‘Good morning’ ,I replied as she attacked me again with that penetrating smile. I eventually picked up the Daily Mail; I hate this paper but just felt I had been over doing my browsing. I chose a chocolate .
‘85 pence please’ I fumbled pathetically as I tried to gather the right amount of money from my wallet .
‘Thank you ‘ with a smile of sympathy on her face.
‘Thanks , bye’ I left the shop and wondered what else could I do to match that for the rest of the day?
Well guess what ? I returned home by 12.00 md had some frankfurters with soft rolls and mustard then had a nap until 3.00pm.
I did n’t leave the flat again today . I noticed Ivan returning by 5.15 pm . I thought to myself it’s time I found a job . I wonder if Ivan’s gang would want me?
I put on the radio and listened to various classical stations until I was sickened by the frantic pace of some pieces then switched it off. I ate again at 8.10pm , the scraps of my previous meal together with a tin of okra .
9.30pm. onwards :Watched TV passively mindlessly , thinking it’s time I did something other than just exist and fantasise about real living. I wept again briefly , it’s happening more and more often , I don’t know if it is the fact that I have committed this non-event that is my life to paper …..but it has shown me that my life is even more meaningless than I had previously imagined.
I had no wine to drink tonight . I made a cup of hot chocolate , smoked my last cigarette ;the two went well together .I brushed my teeth and made my self happy thinking : ‘It’s pay day tomorrow!’ I will receive my- two weekly dole cheque.
I listened to the pompous radio phone in presenter, in his element debating a topical issue of the day and thought: 'He is the opposite of me , he likes the sound of his own voice and proud of his opinionated ,often ill-informed platitudes . Whereas I don’t even like to be noticed . He is successful , I am a failure ; The Bastard!.'
Tomorrow is a special day . I slept on this happy note.
18th April 2006
Today I got up really early. I didn’t even sleep properly last night , I had strange dreams almost as if I was in a state of semi consciousness. I was up and dressed by 7.30am I even heard the man above me go off to work . I don’t know his name , but I will refer to him as Ivan from now on . Ivan appears to be from Poland . He could even be a Russian or Albanian for all I know . I feel confident to state that he is ‘Eastern European’ . The language sounds somewhat Slavic in its form. Not that I know anything about these languages just that I have been around long enough to make some connections.
Anyhow, Ivan has been living directly above the room I occupy for at least the last six months. This morning an old volvo estate van pulled up .This seems to be some kind of work transport or trades gang. As soon as it pulled up the driver surrounded by at least another seven or eight other burly figures of similar racial complexion and cultural behaviour , blew his horn several times very loud too . I would like to shout to him to shut up and get out of the vehicle and use his finger and press the door bell . But I dare not in case I elicit an aggressive response. Ivan came rushing down to join them.
So Ivan and his gang of what look like builders have all gone out to make some money. They must be builders . Ivan is often seen carrying bits of wood and holding various power tools, whereas his friends have been seen to be covered from head to toe in plaster or cement. This group of loud and rowdy looking Poles seem to have come to London with a vengeance. They seem to have a hunger for work. I guess it is the new European Union’s rules of engagement Others would call this another example of the government inviting foreign tradesmen to come to the country in order to keep the local complacent builders on their toes and prevent them form demanding interstellar prices for botched up work.
I see many of these people , just like Ivan around this area either going to work or returning . I have often seen them shopping with some kind of excitement when seeing the prices in London supermarkets which I believe are extremely cheap compared to those of countries cursed by the former Stalinist regimes .So Ivan and his gang have gone to work .I don’t have anything against these new guest workers or immigrant settlers , whatever they happen to be .
One night a few weeks ago I remember seeing Ivan bring back two women of his own nationality and a male friend..This was a Friday night . I happened to be coming back myself from a drink in one of the local pubs. These Polish women were gorgeous , tall , fit , blond and self assured . And I could hear the whole scenario. Not that I can understand Polish but what went on was more the language of love. Not much was left to the imagination although I could see nothing I could feel my ceiling shaking . I wonder what it must feel like to be a successful predator and win at bringing a willing woman home to have ……… wild sex. Some people get all the luck.
After Ivan had gone I stayed at my window watching the world go by . I saw Olga leaving for the dress factory , She has really become more fashion conscious and adjusted to this way of life.
All have gone from this building except Francis and myself . Francis is a seventy two year old retired bachelor . I wonder whether he is retired from the world , from work or from himself, considering the amount of years he has been alone. I have, on a few occasions had a drink in the pub with him and will say more about him on other occasions..
I visited the corner shop at 10.00.a.m. I planned it this way and wow! She was there. I blushed as I pretended to look at various headlines as if I was trying to make my mind up about which paper to buy.
‘Good morning Sir ‘
‘Good morning’ ,I replied as she attacked me again with that penetrating smile. I eventually picked up the Daily Mail; I hate this paper but just felt I had been over doing my browsing. I chose a chocolate .
‘85 pence please’ I fumbled pathetically as I tried to gather the right amount of money from my wallet .
‘Thank you ‘ with a smile of sympathy on her face.
‘Thanks , bye’ I left the shop and wondered what else could I do to match that for the rest of the day?
Well guess what ? I returned home by 12.00 md had some frankfurters with soft rolls and mustard then had a nap until 3.00pm.
I did n’t leave the flat again today . I noticed Ivan returning by 5.15 pm . I thought to myself it’s time I found a job . I wonder if Ivan’s gang would want me?
I put on the radio and listened to various classical stations until I was sickened by the frantic pace of some pieces then switched it off. I ate again at 8.10pm , the scraps of my previous meal together with a tin of okra .
9.30pm. onwards :Watched TV passively mindlessly , thinking it’s time I did something other than just exist and fantasise about real living. I wept again briefly , it’s happening more and more often , I don’t know if it is the fact that I have committed this non-event that is my life to paper …..but it has shown me that my life is even more meaningless than I had previously imagined.
I had no wine to drink tonight . I made a cup of hot chocolate , smoked my last cigarette ;the two went well together .I brushed my teeth and made my self happy thinking : ‘It’s pay day tomorrow!’ I will receive my- two weekly dole cheque.
I listened to the pompous radio phone in presenter, in his element debating a topical issue of the day and thought: 'He is the opposite of me , he likes the sound of his own voice and proud of his opinionated ,often ill-informed platitudes . Whereas I don’t even like to be noticed . He is successful , I am a failure ; The Bastard!.'
Tomorrow is a special day . I slept on this happy note.
No. 38 Diary of a Non-Entity 6 (Extract from unfinished novel :) 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
19th April 2006
What did I do today ? Nothing much, I did walk into the local job centre and looked at some adds for vacancies . I was attracted to a vacancy for warehouse assistant, but when I approached the clerk or 'careers advisor' she told me the company was looking for someone with working knowledge of building materials and would be testing candidates for such knowledge. Well I did say I had a 'common sense knowledge' of such things but apparently this was not good enough.
I returned to base by 11.30 a.m. I was exhausted by the sheer effort of looking for work. I had moments of excitement as I picked various possible jobs the outcome was negative.
I made two veggie burgers with chips and dozed off by 1.00 PM.
When I awoke at 3.00 P.M I had a frightening thought of what am I going to do for the rest of this day?
I fooled myself by running through a list of usual activities ; read the newspaper , listen to various radio station programmes ,
tidy the flat ......rubbish , all were meaningless.I began to pace around the room in a temper then walked out into the street.
I wandered around the park observing life; animal life human life plant life anything but my own non-life.....maybe I should stop living , that is what I really need to do , but I am too cowardly and have settled for the cigarette ,wine and fatty food option.
I returned to the flat by 6.00 PM. The 'weepy' feeling had left me by now as I was seated moping , reflecting ; A knock at my door .
'You want coffee?' I was so glad that Olga had thought of me.
'Yes Olga , I would love to.' In Olga's flat whilst drinking her coffee and talking everyday meaningless conversation , I could not help thinking of my previous ,wild and hopeless attempt of seducing her .Never again ,just don't know how to do it .
I enjoyed her company as 'friends only ' then retired to my flat by
8.00.PM.
Restless , I ran on the spot , did some push ups , had more veggie burgers and chips with beans . The dark cloud had gone . I felt happy doing nothing and passively watching silly TV programmes.
Slept by 11.30PM. An average day.
19th April 2006
What did I do today ? Nothing much, I did walk into the local job centre and looked at some adds for vacancies . I was attracted to a vacancy for warehouse assistant, but when I approached the clerk or 'careers advisor' she told me the company was looking for someone with working knowledge of building materials and would be testing candidates for such knowledge. Well I did say I had a 'common sense knowledge' of such things but apparently this was not good enough.
I returned to base by 11.30 a.m. I was exhausted by the sheer effort of looking for work. I had moments of excitement as I picked various possible jobs the outcome was negative.
I made two veggie burgers with chips and dozed off by 1.00 PM.
When I awoke at 3.00 P.M I had a frightening thought of what am I going to do for the rest of this day?
I fooled myself by running through a list of usual activities ; read the newspaper , listen to various radio station programmes ,
tidy the flat ......rubbish , all were meaningless.I began to pace around the room in a temper then walked out into the street.
I wandered around the park observing life; animal life human life plant life anything but my own non-life.....maybe I should stop living , that is what I really need to do , but I am too cowardly and have settled for the cigarette ,wine and fatty food option.
I returned to the flat by 6.00 PM. The 'weepy' feeling had left me by now as I was seated moping , reflecting ; A knock at my door .
'You want coffee?' I was so glad that Olga had thought of me.
'Yes Olga , I would love to.' In Olga's flat whilst drinking her coffee and talking everyday meaningless conversation , I could not help thinking of my previous ,wild and hopeless attempt of seducing her .Never again ,just don't know how to do it .
I enjoyed her company as 'friends only ' then retired to my flat by
8.00.PM.
Restless , I ran on the spot , did some push ups , had more veggie burgers and chips with beans . The dark cloud had gone . I felt happy doing nothing and passively watching silly TV programmes.
Slept by 11.30PM. An average day.
No.39 :Diary of a Non -Entity 7 (Extract from unfinished novel) , 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
10th April 2006
The weather was beginning to change as Spring gradually makes itself felt . The flat is empty of all residents even Francis who is much older than me seems to spend more time out enjoying himself than I do .
I wonder if finding work would be the answer to my problems . If I got a job I may be better off and I could leave this bed sitting room and maybe even get a council flat . what an ambition to have ? I suppose if I were to be really successful I could even buy a small flat , with my own bathroom and kitchen . I Imagine what that would be like: getting up on a Sunday after a hard working week and going into the bathroom knowing that no one else could be using it and also lazing around in the bath without the fear that somebody else may need to use it .A bathroom and kitchen of my own . These are the reasons I must make an effort to find a job . I don’t care what job I do .I will do it .
After having a bowl of porridge , marmalade toast and a coffee, I walked to Edmonton’s high street. It was at least a ten minute walk , such was my resolve it was more of a march . A march to liberty , freedom and equality . I hurriedly entered the Job Centre . I looked at the available vacancies for the day . After discarding anything requiring skill such as carpentry , motor vehicle maintenance etc I was left with some posts involving production line work. I actually walked out of there with an interview arranged for some time next week, exhilarated, I made my way home thinking of all the changes I was going to make in my life once I establish myself as a ‘machine operative ‘..I can’t wait …
I walked home at a leisurely pace , enjoying the sunshine and thinking that this summer I will be happy and maybe I will even have a short holiday in Mallorca to visit my parents .
Eventually ,I got to the corner shop : She was there again ,in the back , I could barely catch a glimpse , she was on the phone talking in an Indian language , Punjabi, hindi , Bengali or any of a great number of languages originating from the Indian sub continent. Trying not to stare, I bought my cigarettes from her husband and returned home. The radio had been left on I tuned into a heated debate about terrorism and the Iraq war, so many people have various thoughts and strongly held beliefs about this subject , yet the government seems to carry on regardless , waging a war of occupation in a far away land for reasons that seem to be tenuous to say the least. One caller, an ex -soldier himself accused the present Government ruled by Tony Blair, of deploying the armed forces as mercenaries .
I sat down with pen and paper , switched the radio on to Club Asia , listening to the manic presenter raving about the next number as I figured my potential earnings……… If my earnings after tax will be at least £ 125 per week , then I would have to pay my rent of which is now £75( but paid on my behalf by the local council). I will need at least £50 per week for train fares as this job is in Waltham Cross. That would leave me err……..nothing to pay for food , clothing bills , not to mention a bottle of wine and smokes ………..I cannot go through with this , it will mean economic suicide. I cannot jeopardise my freedom for becoming a worker with paradoxically less money as well as less time. I chose my freedom. But all the previous excitement of the moment has gone and left me in a void……….Its only 11.30 a.m I feel totally blank and numb.
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10th April 2006
The weather was beginning to change as Spring gradually makes itself felt . The flat is empty of all residents even Francis who is much older than me seems to spend more time out enjoying himself than I do .
I wonder if finding work would be the answer to my problems . If I got a job I may be better off and I could leave this bed sitting room and maybe even get a council flat . what an ambition to have ? I suppose if I were to be really successful I could even buy a small flat , with my own bathroom and kitchen . I Imagine what that would be like: getting up on a Sunday after a hard working week and going into the bathroom knowing that no one else could be using it and also lazing around in the bath without the fear that somebody else may need to use it .A bathroom and kitchen of my own . These are the reasons I must make an effort to find a job . I don’t care what job I do .I will do it .
After having a bowl of porridge , marmalade toast and a coffee, I walked to Edmonton’s high street. It was at least a ten minute walk , such was my resolve it was more of a march . A march to liberty , freedom and equality . I hurriedly entered the Job Centre . I looked at the available vacancies for the day . After discarding anything requiring skill such as carpentry , motor vehicle maintenance etc I was left with some posts involving production line work. I actually walked out of there with an interview arranged for some time next week, exhilarated, I made my way home thinking of all the changes I was going to make in my life once I establish myself as a ‘machine operative ‘..I can’t wait …
I walked home at a leisurely pace , enjoying the sunshine and thinking that this summer I will be happy and maybe I will even have a short holiday in Mallorca to visit my parents .
Eventually ,I got to the corner shop : She was there again ,in the back , I could barely catch a glimpse , she was on the phone talking in an Indian language , Punjabi, hindi , Bengali or any of a great number of languages originating from the Indian sub continent. Trying not to stare, I bought my cigarettes from her husband and returned home. The radio had been left on I tuned into a heated debate about terrorism and the Iraq war, so many people have various thoughts and strongly held beliefs about this subject , yet the government seems to carry on regardless , waging a war of occupation in a far away land for reasons that seem to be tenuous to say the least. One caller, an ex -soldier himself accused the present Government ruled by Tony Blair, of deploying the armed forces as mercenaries .
I sat down with pen and paper , switched the radio on to Club Asia , listening to the manic presenter raving about the next number as I figured my potential earnings……… If my earnings after tax will be at least £ 125 per week , then I would have to pay my rent of which is now £75( but paid on my behalf by the local council). I will need at least £50 per week for train fares as this job is in Waltham Cross. That would leave me err……..nothing to pay for food , clothing bills , not to mention a bottle of wine and smokes ………..I cannot go through with this , it will mean economic suicide. I cannot jeopardise my freedom for becoming a worker with paradoxically less money as well as less time. I chose my freedom. But all the previous excitement of the moment has gone and left me in a void……….Its only 11.30 a.m I feel totally blank and numb.
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No.40: Diary of a Non Entity 8 (Extract from unfinished novel) 2006
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
22nd April 2006
I lay on the sofa , in a daze I felt a frustration deep within my bones and a lethargy creeping into the brain. As I continued to mourn my loss of a non -job, my numbness was interrupted by a ring at the doorbell. I jumped , wondering who the hell could that be ?
As I cautiously opened the front door , I was shocked ; before me ,it was HER , the Indian beauty was at my doorstep holding a wallet.
‘Hello Sir , you dropped this in our shop.’ She handed me the wallet with a piercing ,telepathic smile.
‘Errr, thank you so much!’ I didn’t even realise that I had lost it! I was still in shock.
“ Please come in for a moment" I asked , wondering how did she even know where I lived. She proceeded to enter the passage and followed me into my room”.I was surprised at how much smaller she appeared now that she was right next to me .This only increased the awe that she filled me with . I shakily offered her a cup of tea.
I even told her I use tea massalla if she preferred it that way..
“OK , I’ll have some “ . she smiled. I could not believe this was happening and would not even imagine what was to follow. We drank tea and she told me I was one of the best customers that visited the shop , she asked me my name……as I told her she touched my hand with hers .
‘Simon........,’ she said, as her smile faded into a more sinister glare. she casually pulled off her jumper.Her long shiny hair sprang into my face. She then unfastened her bra and let if fall onto the floor.I stared at her weathered, slightly drooping , but genuiniely attractive and naturally shaped breasts . In an instant I was comparing the the real experience before me with the thousands of synthetic polymer versions I had become used to viewing
over many years of relying on mens magazines; the real thing was so much more horny. The Indian beauty then said ‘come closer ..’as she resumed her piercing smile.. and her lips approached mine and slid all over them, locking them into a succulent ,wobbly seal .I felt the Kundalini explode within me, as a serpent vibrated within the core of my being . This could not be happening ..Yet it was , I was being transformed . Nothing would be the same again ,after a sexual awakening of this magnitude. It was timeless , without beginning or end, I surrendered to her higher power in every way . I was totally passive apart for my instinctive lunge toward her breast with my left hand. I caressed her erect nipple ……
…..and it was over in seconds.
I now needed a wash , I quickly dressed in order to enter the common passage of the building .I opened my door and peered over to see if the bathroom was free…....shit! It’s that damned old git Francis ,he takes ages to expel a number two and it takes even longer for the air to clear afterwards. I had to get back into my room. I managed to wash my self by half -climbing into the small hand washing basin in the corner of the room. I changed clothes then sat back in the sofa again . I looked at my bedside cabinet staring at the wallet upon its surface , which I never lost .And how would she know where I live ? She probably doesn’t even know of my existence.
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22nd April 2006
I lay on the sofa , in a daze I felt a frustration deep within my bones and a lethargy creeping into the brain. As I continued to mourn my loss of a non -job, my numbness was interrupted by a ring at the doorbell. I jumped , wondering who the hell could that be ?
As I cautiously opened the front door , I was shocked ; before me ,it was HER , the Indian beauty was at my doorstep holding a wallet.
‘Hello Sir , you dropped this in our shop.’ She handed me the wallet with a piercing ,telepathic smile.
‘Errr, thank you so much!’ I didn’t even realise that I had lost it! I was still in shock.
“ Please come in for a moment" I asked , wondering how did she even know where I lived. She proceeded to enter the passage and followed me into my room”.I was surprised at how much smaller she appeared now that she was right next to me .This only increased the awe that she filled me with . I shakily offered her a cup of tea.
I even told her I use tea massalla if she preferred it that way..
“OK , I’ll have some “ . she smiled. I could not believe this was happening and would not even imagine what was to follow. We drank tea and she told me I was one of the best customers that visited the shop , she asked me my name……as I told her she touched my hand with hers .
‘Simon........,’ she said, as her smile faded into a more sinister glare. she casually pulled off her jumper.Her long shiny hair sprang into my face. She then unfastened her bra and let if fall onto the floor.I stared at her weathered, slightly drooping , but genuiniely attractive and naturally shaped breasts . In an instant I was comparing the the real experience before me with the thousands of synthetic polymer versions I had become used to viewing
over many years of relying on mens magazines; the real thing was so much more horny. The Indian beauty then said ‘come closer ..’as she resumed her piercing smile.. and her lips approached mine and slid all over them, locking them into a succulent ,wobbly seal .I felt the Kundalini explode within me, as a serpent vibrated within the core of my being . This could not be happening ..Yet it was , I was being transformed . Nothing would be the same again ,after a sexual awakening of this magnitude. It was timeless , without beginning or end, I surrendered to her higher power in every way . I was totally passive apart for my instinctive lunge toward her breast with my left hand. I caressed her erect nipple ……
…..and it was over in seconds.
I now needed a wash , I quickly dressed in order to enter the common passage of the building .I opened my door and peered over to see if the bathroom was free…....shit! It’s that damned old git Francis ,he takes ages to expel a number two and it takes even longer for the air to clear afterwards. I had to get back into my room. I managed to wash my self by half -climbing into the small hand washing basin in the corner of the room. I changed clothes then sat back in the sofa again . I looked at my bedside cabinet staring at the wallet upon its surface , which I never lost .And how would she know where I live ? She probably doesn’t even know of my existence.
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No.41: Diary of a Non-Entity 9 (Extract from unfinished novel) 2006 .
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
7th May 2006
I stayed in my room , it was a bright sunny day . The light was streaming into my room and , hidden within this contrast,I dug in , positioned my self discreetly and viewed various women who passed by in the street opposite my window.
Or,better still,who were stationary for several minutes . The summer clothing or lack of it was stunning. Especially the hipsters which are my favourites. . It was earth shattering……….After finishing what I had done during the session of voyeurism I wondered , what if I had been apprehended in this compromising position? What would an unsuspecting women think? I feel that I am not visible peeping through a crack of a net curtain in a room with no lighting staring out at a brightly lit day.
But what if I were noticed? I would be devastated ….. A look of a woman angry , disturbed , indignant at realising she has been scrutinised by someone , hiding and taking sexual gratification without permission. I imagined the worse possible scenarios: Her bringing her boyfriend or husband to batter me , groups of police taking me away with my head covered like a shamed criminal……the thought became more harrowing and finally ended with a bizarre image of an old monster horror film where the freak such as Frankenstein’s monster or whoever the main anti hero was, gets ambushed and caught by hundreds of angry villagers carrying torches.
.
I suppose I wouldn’t like it if I was a woman and I had secretly been watched in this manner ….I must stop this disgusting habit, I can and I will.
I had a late breakfast and big enough to do for my lunch . This was at 12.15 pm, I really must try harder to find a job , may give me a chance to meet more people or whatever .
I went for a walk avoided the corner shop and returned by 2.00pm , tired and exhausted by the mileage. I had only walked up and down the high street and in the local park , unnoticed and not bothered by anyone . This itself began to bother me ….I did not dwell on it too much.
Now being so tired , I lay in front of the television and dozed : If I were religious and could describe to you what heaven is , it would be this:The eternal feeling of being at the borders of consciousness and unconsciousness as I was experiencing now dozing , waking and falling again into bliss.
I fully regained consciousness did some tidying up .After having my supper it was still light , I caught a glimpse of a middle aged lady , chatting outside a neighbour’s
house. I have seen her before , she is of mixed race, tall, taller than me but of such firm proportions almost athletic . She wore a green, flimsy T shirt and very tight jeans. Her belly protruded slightly but was of such elegant form.
Feeling somewhat guilty , I proceeded to do the same again ………I eventually tired and after a few glasses of white wine , dozed off again , dreaming of having a real life .
7th May 2006
I stayed in my room , it was a bright sunny day . The light was streaming into my room and , hidden within this contrast,I dug in , positioned my self discreetly and viewed various women who passed by in the street opposite my window.
Or,better still,who were stationary for several minutes . The summer clothing or lack of it was stunning. Especially the hipsters which are my favourites. . It was earth shattering……….After finishing what I had done during the session of voyeurism I wondered , what if I had been apprehended in this compromising position? What would an unsuspecting women think? I feel that I am not visible peeping through a crack of a net curtain in a room with no lighting staring out at a brightly lit day.
But what if I were noticed? I would be devastated ….. A look of a woman angry , disturbed , indignant at realising she has been scrutinised by someone , hiding and taking sexual gratification without permission. I imagined the worse possible scenarios: Her bringing her boyfriend or husband to batter me , groups of police taking me away with my head covered like a shamed criminal……the thought became more harrowing and finally ended with a bizarre image of an old monster horror film where the freak such as Frankenstein’s monster or whoever the main anti hero was, gets ambushed and caught by hundreds of angry villagers carrying torches.
.
I suppose I wouldn’t like it if I was a woman and I had secretly been watched in this manner ….I must stop this disgusting habit, I can and I will.
I had a late breakfast and big enough to do for my lunch . This was at 12.15 pm, I really must try harder to find a job , may give me a chance to meet more people or whatever .
I went for a walk avoided the corner shop and returned by 2.00pm , tired and exhausted by the mileage. I had only walked up and down the high street and in the local park , unnoticed and not bothered by anyone . This itself began to bother me ….I did not dwell on it too much.
Now being so tired , I lay in front of the television and dozed : If I were religious and could describe to you what heaven is , it would be this:The eternal feeling of being at the borders of consciousness and unconsciousness as I was experiencing now dozing , waking and falling again into bliss.
I fully regained consciousness did some tidying up .After having my supper it was still light , I caught a glimpse of a middle aged lady , chatting outside a neighbour’s
house. I have seen her before , she is of mixed race, tall, taller than me but of such firm proportions almost athletic . She wore a green, flimsy T shirt and very tight jeans. Her belly protruded slightly but was of such elegant form.
Feeling somewhat guilty , I proceeded to do the same again ………I eventually tired and after a few glasses of white wine , dozed off again , dreaming of having a real life .
No .42: Diary of a Non -Entity 10 (Extract from unfinished novel), 2006
Diary of a Non- entity
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
13th May 2006
I am not religious , neither am I superstitious in the traditional sense , that is , I don’t think the fact that it is 13thMay today has any connection with the fact that I had a strange dream that I was dead last night ..
I had died and do not recall under what circumstances. I was there in my parents’ home walking about and observing them as they appeared in a quiet , composed but grieving state. I was fully conscious and wondering about my strange predicament . I wasn’t happy or sad , just surprised and almost satisfied that I had found something out . I was fully conscious and surrounded by closest family. Eric and Barbara Penton , my parents as well as Jane ,my sister, her husband Ned and their four children .
I don’t know if I was visible or audible but remember clearly speaking to my mother and explaining : ‘Look it’s okay , there’s no difference , I ‘m here just like before and can still talk to you’…I do remember clearly seeing my deceased grandfather James Penton , talking to me with enthusiasm and almost preparing me for my new ‘life’.
Or non life.
So there was no difference , I thought to myself , life just seems to go on …….It’s not
what I expected……..I remembered thinking ‘So this is death …….’ I also recall seeing my coffin in my old bedroom , in the house that I grew up in , and which my parents still lived in before they sold up and emigrated to Spain .The place where I had spent my difficult teenage years that were full of angst. I caught a glimpse of Jane .tearfully complaining to herself:‘who could believe that this would happen to him at this age…..’This unnerved me somewhat as I continued to walk about the house and interact with others.
As in many dreams the surreal logic defied any contradiction as I continued to be conscious, interacting with others and at the same time joining them almost as a guest as they prepared to take me for my final drive home down to earth .
I remembered thinking death is not like the Philosopher Schoppenhauer said:“A blissful repose of nothingness”….No this was being as against non being I felt happy that I was with my loved ones and at the same time cheated of something eternal ….
I woke up and reflected on my dream wondering about it’s absurdity . I am alive but wonder why I had such a dream , maybe it was because I read somewhere on the internet that a famous musician whose name I cannot recall had just died recently and he happened to be thirty six. Maybe this made me acutely aware of my mortal coil .
I am living non entity . . I continue to exist after such a lapse into unconsciousness and period of dreaming . This period of dreaming , I thought to myself is normally preceded or followed by periods of deeper unconsciousness . I wondered to myself that only this period of sleep when one is totally unaware of anything, this must be the state near to death, yet we experience this or think we do again and again .Only when we awake do we realise this but only from the perspective of being fully conscious.
Is it appropriate I asked my self, or rational to contemplate or analyse the state of non being from one of being? ………I….continued to follow the thread of this ontological conundrum until my stomach put a halt to it.
I t was 11.30 a.m …I got up ,checked that the bathroom was clear ,it was , I had a quick shower . I could hear Ivan from upstairs ,singing to himself as he walked down the stairs .He left the building slamming the door behind him .
I ate the left over a chocolate gateaux for breakfast, two rather large portions. I made my self a large mug of real coffee for a change and peered through the window as I sipped my drink.
The window was open and the sun had made one of his cherished visits . I could hear a bird of some sort with a lively , optimistic song.
It was very close , although I could not see it . I wished it could come so close and make itself at home inside my bedsitting room. I realised that I was alive , I had a moment of elation , if anything this dream had made me appreciate this.
But what am I going to do for the rest of this day ? I don’t know , the same goes for the rest of this life. .which goes on .
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
13th May 2006
I am not religious , neither am I superstitious in the traditional sense , that is , I don’t think the fact that it is 13thMay today has any connection with the fact that I had a strange dream that I was dead last night ..
I had died and do not recall under what circumstances. I was there in my parents’ home walking about and observing them as they appeared in a quiet , composed but grieving state. I was fully conscious and wondering about my strange predicament . I wasn’t happy or sad , just surprised and almost satisfied that I had found something out . I was fully conscious and surrounded by closest family. Eric and Barbara Penton , my parents as well as Jane ,my sister, her husband Ned and their four children .
I don’t know if I was visible or audible but remember clearly speaking to my mother and explaining : ‘Look it’s okay , there’s no difference , I ‘m here just like before and can still talk to you’…I do remember clearly seeing my deceased grandfather James Penton , talking to me with enthusiasm and almost preparing me for my new ‘life’.
Or non life.
So there was no difference , I thought to myself , life just seems to go on …….It’s not
what I expected……..I remembered thinking ‘So this is death …….’ I also recall seeing my coffin in my old bedroom , in the house that I grew up in , and which my parents still lived in before they sold up and emigrated to Spain .The place where I had spent my difficult teenage years that were full of angst. I caught a glimpse of Jane .tearfully complaining to herself:‘who could believe that this would happen to him at this age…..’This unnerved me somewhat as I continued to walk about the house and interact with others.
As in many dreams the surreal logic defied any contradiction as I continued to be conscious, interacting with others and at the same time joining them almost as a guest as they prepared to take me for my final drive home down to earth .
I remembered thinking death is not like the Philosopher Schoppenhauer said:“A blissful repose of nothingness”….No this was being as against non being I felt happy that I was with my loved ones and at the same time cheated of something eternal ….
I woke up and reflected on my dream wondering about it’s absurdity . I am alive but wonder why I had such a dream , maybe it was because I read somewhere on the internet that a famous musician whose name I cannot recall had just died recently and he happened to be thirty six. Maybe this made me acutely aware of my mortal coil .
I am living non entity . . I continue to exist after such a lapse into unconsciousness and period of dreaming . This period of dreaming , I thought to myself is normally preceded or followed by periods of deeper unconsciousness . I wondered to myself that only this period of sleep when one is totally unaware of anything, this must be the state near to death, yet we experience this or think we do again and again .Only when we awake do we realise this but only from the perspective of being fully conscious.
Is it appropriate I asked my self, or rational to contemplate or analyse the state of non being from one of being? ………I….continued to follow the thread of this ontological conundrum until my stomach put a halt to it.
I t was 11.30 a.m …I got up ,checked that the bathroom was clear ,it was , I had a quick shower . I could hear Ivan from upstairs ,singing to himself as he walked down the stairs .He left the building slamming the door behind him .
I ate the left over a chocolate gateaux for breakfast, two rather large portions. I made my self a large mug of real coffee for a change and peered through the window as I sipped my drink.
The window was open and the sun had made one of his cherished visits . I could hear a bird of some sort with a lively , optimistic song.
It was very close , although I could not see it . I wished it could come so close and make itself at home inside my bedsitting room. I realised that I was alive , I had a moment of elation , if anything this dream had made me appreciate this.
But what am I going to do for the rest of this day ? I don’t know , the same goes for the rest of this life. .which goes on .
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