No .42: Diary of a Non -Entity 10 (Extract from unfinished novel), 2006

Diary of a Non- entity
This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .


13th May 2006
I am not religious , neither am I superstitious in the traditional sense , that is , I don’t think the fact that it is 13thMay today has any connection with the fact that I had a strange dream that I was dead last night ..

I had died and do not recall under what circumstances. I was there in my parents’ home walking about and observing them as they appeared in a quiet , composed but grieving state. I was fully conscious and wondering about my strange predicament . I wasn’t happy or sad , just surprised and almost satisfied that I had found something out . I was fully conscious and surrounded by closest family. Eric and Barbara Penton , my parents as well as Jane ,my sister, her husband Ned and their four children .
I don’t know if I was visible or audible but remember clearly speaking to my mother and explaining : ‘Look it’s okay , there’s no difference , I ‘m here just like before and can still talk to you’…I do remember clearly seeing my deceased grandfather James Penton , talking to me with enthusiasm and almost preparing me for my new ‘life’.
Or non life.
So there was no difference , I thought to myself , life just seems to go on …….It’s not
what I expected……..I remembered thinking ‘So this is death …….’ I also recall seeing my coffin in my old bedroom , in the house that I grew up in , and which my parents still lived in before they sold up and emigrated to Spain .The place where I had spent my difficult teenage years that were full of angst. I caught a glimpse of Jane .tearfully complaining to herself:‘who could believe that this would happen to him at this age…..’This unnerved me somewhat as I continued to walk about the house and interact with others.
As in many dreams the surreal logic defied any contradiction as I continued to be conscious, interacting with others and at the same time joining them almost as a guest as they prepared to take me for my final drive home down to earth .

I remembered thinking death is not like the Philosopher Schoppenhauer said:“A blissful repose of nothingness”….No this was being as against non being I felt happy that I was with my loved ones and at the same time cheated of something eternal ….

I woke up and reflected on my dream wondering about it’s absurdity . I am alive but wonder why I had such a dream , maybe it was because I read somewhere on the internet that a famous musician whose name I cannot recall had just died recently and he happened to be thirty six. Maybe this made me acutely aware of my mortal coil .

I am living non entity . . I continue to exist after such a lapse into unconsciousness and period of dreaming . This period of dreaming , I thought to myself is normally preceded or followed by periods of deeper unconsciousness . I wondered to myself that only this period of sleep when one is totally unaware of anything, this must be the state near to death, yet we experience this or think we do again and again .Only when we awake do we realise this but only from the perspective of being fully conscious.
Is it appropriate I asked my self, or rational to contemplate or analyse the state of non being from one of being? ………I….continued to follow the thread of this ontological conundrum until my stomach put a halt to it.

I t was 11.30 a.m …I got up ,checked that the bathroom was clear ,it was , I had a quick shower . I could hear Ivan from upstairs ,singing to himself as he walked down the stairs .He left the building slamming the door behind him .

I ate the left over a chocolate gateaux for breakfast, two rather large portions. I made my self a large mug of real coffee for a change and peered through the window as I sipped my drink.
The window was open and the sun had made one of his cherished visits . I could hear a bird of some sort with a lively , optimistic song.
It was very close , although I could not see it . I wished it could come so close and make itself at home inside my bedsitting room. I realised that I was alive , I had a moment of elation , if anything this dream had made me appreciate this.

But what am I going to do for the rest of this day ? I don’t know , the same goes for the rest of this life. .which goes on .