This is my diary, I once read a book called 'Diary of a Nobody' , I thought at the time well if he's a nobody what the hell am I? I actually felt envious of the main character. I now think it's time to write my non-story ; Welcome to A Diary of a Nonentity .
10th April 2006
The weather was beginning to change as Spring gradually makes itself felt . The flat is empty of all residents even Francis who is much older than me seems to spend more time out enjoying himself than I do .
I wonder if finding work would be the answer to my problems . If I got a job I may be better off and I could leave this bed sitting room and maybe even get a council flat . what an ambition to have ? I suppose if I were to be really successful I could even buy a small flat , with my own bathroom and kitchen . I Imagine what that would be like: getting up on a Sunday after a hard working week and going into the bathroom knowing that no one else could be using it and also lazing around in the bath without the fear that somebody else may need to use it .A bathroom and kitchen of my own . These are the reasons I must make an effort to find a job . I don’t care what job I do .I will do it .
After having a bowl of porridge , marmalade toast and a coffee, I walked to Edmonton’s high street. It was at least a ten minute walk , such was my resolve it was more of a march . A march to liberty , freedom and equality . I hurriedly entered the Job Centre . I looked at the available vacancies for the day . After discarding anything requiring skill such as carpentry , motor vehicle maintenance etc I was left with some posts involving production line work. I actually walked out of there with an interview arranged for some time next week, exhilarated, I made my way home thinking of all the changes I was going to make in my life once I establish myself as a ‘machine operative ‘..I can’t wait …
I walked home at a leisurely pace , enjoying the sunshine and thinking that this summer I will be happy and maybe I will even have a short holiday in Mallorca to visit my parents .
Eventually ,I got to the corner shop : She was there again ,in the back , I could barely catch a glimpse , she was on the phone talking in an Indian language , Punjabi, hindi , Bengali or any of a great number of languages originating from the Indian sub continent. Trying not to stare, I bought my cigarettes from her husband and returned home. The radio had been left on I tuned into a heated debate about terrorism and the Iraq war, so many people have various thoughts and strongly held beliefs about this subject , yet the government seems to carry on regardless , waging a war of occupation in a far away land for reasons that seem to be tenuous to say the least. One caller, an ex -soldier himself accused the present Government ruled by Tony Blair, of deploying the armed forces as mercenaries .
I sat down with pen and paper , switched the radio on to Club Asia , listening to the manic presenter raving about the next number as I figured my potential earnings……… If my earnings after tax will be at least £ 125 per week , then I would have to pay my rent of which is now £75( but paid on my behalf by the local council). I will need at least £50 per week for train fares as this job is in Waltham Cross. That would leave me err……..nothing to pay for food , clothing bills , not to mention a bottle of wine and smokes ………..I cannot go through with this , it will mean economic suicide. I cannot jeopardise my freedom for becoming a worker with paradoxically less money as well as less time. I chose my freedom. But all the previous excitement of the moment has gone and left me in a void……….Its only 11.30 a.m I feel totally blank and numb.
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